Believe me when I tell you I am a fuck wit. I ruin the very thing that I desire.

I am a pragmatist. I have conjured my own demise and thus I will eat the briers that weed my life. My own selfishness has caused the pain that I must now endure. The pain for another... by another... by my own. What have I done? I cannot say but know that I cannot be trusted.

Why the fuck did I say what I said? It was true though... what I felt, at least in part, from fear and self-possessed narcissism. Don't trust me... I'm a fucking fool. What's worst... I lie so fluently, like oil sliding on ice, it makes me sick. There is no forgiveness. How to I mend a broken heart? I can't. Not even Jesus can mend broken hearts.

I have no self-control. I am ruled by a solipsistic carelessness that not even the deranged would attempt. I am more than deranged. I am hopeless. Why can't I see it coming? Oh, it was coming all right... it was coming to bite my ass when I least expected. I deserve it. I deserve his hate and his condemnation. Good. Suffer his contempt. Suffer all that he may lambaste upon you.

I've said it so many times... it's making me sick, but I know not the love that you speak. What the fuck is it?! Love a person unconditionally? I've never heard of such a ridiculous proposition. Love is exceptionally conditional, especially when it is defined beside monogamy. Love another as there are no others comparable? What that is I do not know. Do you feel the hearts of all those around you? Those beating rhythms are matched to your own; those thumps are desperate to synchronise with your own; those plentiful others are gyrating to false satiation. Yet you choose only one? One and forever? Liar. Liars! I will not live with such idiotic pretense.

I will not give unless it is given. But my needs are so varied... who may possibly satiate all? Make a decision now. If one is a parasite, then be that parasite. Show the monstrosity that one is endowed with. Show no false pretenses. Show nothing that is otherwise oneself. Show the eidolon whom I mask as an angel.


I am never alone. I fear loneliness. I fear rejection. Thus I am first to consume... I am first to regurgitate... I am first to fuck... I am first to leave. For no one has made me stay, for no one can make me cherish loneliness. For loneliness needs a cherished heart.